meh...............

I'm just blogging cos I can.. I don't have anything in particular to say, and I really should be doing something else… But I can't concentrate, so I may as well ramble…

I went up to the Central Coast this weekend.. Auntie Margaret died last week. They are holding her funeral as we speak, but I couldn’t get time off work to attend… it’s a shame, because I think mum needs someone to hold her hand… that woman practically raised her. I went with mum to the cemetery and cleaned up Kenny’s grave, and (great) Granny’s one she shares with my great granddad. I also went around the cemetery and made bush bouquet for Kenny’s grave, a more exotic spray of flowers for Granny’s, and a wreath of delicate violet flowers I found for Shelley’s grave. I feel close to Granny and Kenny, even though Kenny died before I was born, and my great grandmother died when I was 5ish. I think it’s because mum was so close to them. Then we drove around the old farm. Mum is still really cut up that it was sold… She always wanted to live there but it was decided they would sell it. I have so many memories out there.. Playing on the saw sleepers with Matty pretending to be trains when I was 4ish, exploring down at the waterside.. The drive down into granddads place – with the sounds of bell birds ringing and the smell of the damp forest… It’s my heritage. My family settled that area in the 1800s, and named it, reared their kids there, made their living… and now strangers live there and we can only keep to the roads. It’s harder for mum. The first part of her life was spent there… Where as I just visited. Oh, that should clue you in. Mum is down in NSW… She is staying with my Nan on the Central Coast, which is why I visited Nan’s this weekend. I haven’t seen mum since Christmas. We are a close family, so it’s so fucking hard to never see them. I had to beg and borrow to buy a train ticket, and I went up after work on Friday. God it was so good to see her. I have to say those two days are the happiest I have been for months… I was laughing and smiling nearly the entire time… I don't do that anymore.. I couldn’t tell you why… I’m not actively depressed… it’s not wrist slitting moods, but more lethargic can't be bothered to do anything at all moods. I just can't find motivation for anything. I still haven’t fixed my computer.. I don't save money.. I read my books as soon as I get them, but then can't reread them (that for me is bad… I normally reread books at least 2 or 3 times in the first month of ownership) – I can't get into anything.. I need something fresh and new and something to motivate me… I need to get out of my brain, my thinking patterns, but I just can't. Just going through the motions, and people think its cos I don't love them anymore. I do. I’m just not me at the moment. I have no…. I don't know how to explain it. I can't tell you why, or even when it started. I just don't have anything at the moment. I can't concentrate, I can't sleep, I can't read, I can't wear my public mask of okayness. I think I need to be shocked out of it. I just don't know what to do. I don't think anyone else can help me, and I don't know how to help myself. Everything is grey and closing in. I wonder how much is genetic. I wonder how much is simple exhaustion and related to my health conditions.. or if it is because I work to hard and have no time to “play harder”. My life isn’t balanced anymore, and I don't think it will ever be while I work the hours I work. Even now, I’m typing this up in my lunch hour. Can't leave the office cos I am here by myself and someone has to watch the office. I work anywhere from 9-11 hours a day, 5 days a week. I don’t have much leave saved up, and what I do have, I’m saving for my brothers wedding in October. I really need a holiday. To just get out of Sydney for a week or so and veg. But I can't justify it. As of Thursday, I’ve had this job for exactly 2 years. There will be no celebration, but the fact that I held down my first real job for 2 years is something I want to celebrate. It’s a pretty big fucking achievement! I’m tempted to bring a cake for work. Maybe I should go out to dinner or something… I want to dye my hair again this weekend as well… it’s been a while…. Most of the dye has faded, and I want to go back to vibrant red and black hair… I had planned to make an appointment at Doppelganger Hair in Enmore – they have the full goth setup. But it seems like too much effort.. like everything else…

I just need to do something…. I seem to be floating, drowning in apathy…

the Half-Blood Prince

So I saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night. It was the best Harry Potter movie yet!! I want to go and see it again LOL It was a lot more epic that the earlier movies. The characters are growing up, and their world is becoming more and more unsafe for those not aligned with the death eaters. I think the characters are becoming more likable as well. More three dimensional. Harry is less "poor little me", Ron is starting to find self esteem and courage, Hermione is being more ... emotional (Anna, don’t get mad.. I know, she cries a lot in the books, but I mean more emotional diversity). And I have to say, my favourite of the kiddies in this movie is Draco. I’m really impressed with the way he is being portrayed. His character actually has personality now. I found in the earlier movies he was like Dudley - a mere cipher - a stereotypical bully character. He was the little Big Bad, with a sneer on his face and surrounded by his cronies... In HBP, he is a step apart. He still has his followers, but you can see how isolated he feels..... and that he is doing the isolating, because of changes to the way he perceives the world. His daddy is no longer someone who he can publicly praise, his family has forced him to do an important task, yet one which betrays his love of Hogwarts, and he has realised he is vulnerable to harm from others. He is no longer the big fish in a little pond, but just another juvenile fish in the chaotic ocean. There are all these scenes of him walking through silent corridors - however you can see groups of teens sitting around, chatting, laughing, snogging, being the little social creatures that abound in highschool. Yet here he glides through silent corridors, not a laugh or whisper to be heard.. Its very poignant, beautiful, and sad.


I still find Dumbledore to be one dimensional. I know they try to make him mysterious, but I think by saying nothing about his past (what about his sister?) they dehumanise him. He is this larger than life benevolent being that is hard to get attached to. I thought I would bawl at the end of this movie... I know I was heartbroken and shocked when I read the book... But I was moved more by the scene in the sea cave that I was by the one at the top of the tower....

The more they show of Snape, the more interesting he gets... I've always liked him, and not just because of his penchant for the dark (and omg, Alan Rickman has have most hypnotising voice...). You never quite know which side he is on until the end of Deathly Hallows, and before I had finished the books I remember agonising over this. Now I know, I can more fully appreciate the character he is. And the heartache he must put himself in for the greater good in the end of the Half-Blood Prince. He is a good fellow with a strong sense of honour and the fact that you are never quite sure if he is a reallygood spy, or gone to the darkside emphasises this more so.

I couldn’t tell you one thing about this movie that makes it better than the others... I think it is a lot of little things all working together. I think I mentioned the poignant moments this film dwells on? They are just so beautiful, melancholic and introspective, and at times heart wrenching. The scenery is gorgeous, as ever, and the set of Hogwarts has always been a favourite of mine. Its really hard to critique this movie without referring back to the book. The simple fact of the matter is that Harry, Hermione and Ron, and all their other classmates, are no longer babies. They are at the stage where they are leaving childhood behind them - its both sad and joyful, up and down, confusing and exciting. Both Ron and Hermione, and Harry and Ginny are starting to show their interests in each other, so you have the joy, heartbreak and confusion that involves. I think one of the things I like about this film is how people interact with each other... bonds are getting more layered, more diverse. The characters haven’t really set out doing grand things in their 6th year of Hogwarts. Harry is now just one of the crowd (when he isn’t playing teachers pet) and he finally has acceptance. The adventures are small ones, and I think this makes the ending all the more effective.... Harry isn’t out slaying basilisks, or rescuing maidens, but just going to school and being a teenager.

The other facet of the Half-Blood Prince is of course, that the Death Eaters are loose and wreaking havoc on a massive scale. All might be well in the insulated world of Hogwarts, but outside it is full of the smell of fear and blood. We didn’t even see Lord Volemort in this film... the threat was ominous and hanging over it, and then there was seeing him growing up with sociopathic tendencies... you started to get a glimpse into what help make Tom Riddle into Lord Voldemort. Fascinating stuff!! Oh, and Helena Bonham Carter, is as always, a jewel! God I love that woman! She is perfect as Bellatrix LeStrange....


Anyway, if I had to give a rating the Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, it would be an 8.5 - 9 out of 10.